To Tamerlan and Dzhokhar Tsarnaev...

I believe God created you.  I believe you are each a child of God.  You don't have to be Christian for me to believe that.  I believe God transcends an individual's person's chosen faith tradition.  But I also believe you were wrong.  What progress for your cause could bombing the Boston Marathon have possibly gotten you?  Are you trying to scare people to Allah?  Are you trying to rid the world of Christians?  If you were trying to scare us, that didn't last long.  You didn't last long.  And you were never in control.  You bombed the end of the race.  You bombed the area next to the medical tent, where people were already on high alert to receive fatigued runners.

I believe neither of you to be fundamentally bad.  I believe each of you likely were friendly, good sons, maybe even opened doors for a woman with a stroller or gave your seat up on the T to an elderly person.  But in your actions on Monday at the marathon and Thursday night, you were wrong.  You intentionally acted to harm other humans.  Other people made in the image of God.  I don't know as much about Islam as I likely should but I know it is peaceful.  I know it does not condone what the two of you have done.  I know many Muslims in the US and across the world cringe when Muslims like you act like this just like I know Christians like me cringe when Westboro Baptist Church acts as it often does.

I believe you were wrong.  I believe, Dzhokhar, that you deserve to sit in prison for life.  I also believe it is the right and just thing for you to tell law enforcement the truth about your plan and any other potential threats to ANY group of people (not just the US) that you might know about.  You can try to show remorse in this way that could save human lives.

I also wish I could truly live by Jesus' words, "Forgive them, God, for they know now what they do."  But I can't right now.  Or maybe I don't want to.  I'm not ready to forgive either or you.  And right now I don't want to be ready.  And I believe God's okay with that.

Finally, I want to thank you both.  You reminded us how love is stronger than hatred and how similar we all really are.  White, black, queer, straight, US-born or naturalized or undocumented, democrat or republican, Red Sox or Yankees fan, runner or onlooker.  None of that mattered on Monday.  None of that mattered on Thursday night or Friday.  None of that continues to matter as this city and metro-area works to recover.  What mattered was the preservation of human life.  What matters now is the re-established dignity of humanity.

I do not believe in Heaven and Hell the same way many other people do.  I am not convinced they exist.  I'm okay with that.  I don't really care about the placement of your eternal soul, if there even is a place for it.  What I care about is the recognition of wrong-doing by Dzhokhar and the continued efforts of Bostonians, New Englanders, and Americans to not lose sight of the beautiful bonds of community we've witnessed over the past week.  It's easy to get complacent in times of peace.  Let's not wait for another disaster or tragedy to re-establish the bond.  Let's continue to strengthen the bond that's been forged from these tragic events.

There sure are a lot of words here considering I can't articulate how I am.

Thank you to everyone who called, texted, Facebooked, emailed today. It was the most unnerving and uncomfortable experience to feel somewhat safe in my hallway with the lights off and curtains drawn but unsafe at the windows or outside. Greylyn and I went to get pizza after Suspect #2 was in custody and waved and thanked the cop cars we passed along the way. I'm still processing exactly what this was. What it means. There will be a forthcoming blog post. But for now, know you have my greatest thanks and deepest gratitude.

Thank you to the local and state police officers, FBI, ATF, and Homeland Security agents for working non-stop, cooperatively, and diligently to bring this guy in alive. I'm inclined to bake the Watertown PD cookies or a cake and bring it to you in a day or so. And thank you to the citizens for taking this seriously, staying inside, even in downtown Boston or other areas where it was seemingly completely safe. I can't articulate right now why that makes me happy, but as someone very close to the danger today, I appreciated the solidarity of this city.

I love Boston. I love its people. I love its resiliency.

That was my Facebook status last night before I went to bed.  As promised, here's the blog post.

 On Marathon Monday, I slept in.  Around 10:30 I got up, went into the living room, and turned on the race.  I watched the men's and women's winners cross the finish line.

While watching them I was amazed at the incredible abilities of the human body and the genuine looks of excitement and encouragement of the onlookers.  I thought to myself, "I should really give running a shot again.  I know it's been almost 10 years since I ran with any regularity, but I should give it a shot again."  After the men's winner crossed the finish line, I ate lunch, then turned off the TV around 1 to work on a paper.  Two hours or so later, my boston.com app alerted me to explosions at the Boston Marathon finish line.  I turned on the TV in disbelief and was unable to tear my attention away for about 4 hours or so.  This emotional high I had been on that propelled me into paper writing and made me more concerned about my exercise regimen became an emotional low of horror, disbelief, fear that I knew people injured or killed, and most of all, a sense of why.  Who bombs a marathon?  What kind of message was that supposed to send?

Classes continued on as "normal" the next day, though my thoughts were elsewhere.  While I knew no one hurt or killed personally, my city had been attacked.  Yes, I grew up in Mississippi and do consider myself a southern woman in some respects, but Massachusetts has been my home for the past ten years (this year).  This attack felt personal.  And after seeing statuses and memes and videos (like this one from the Colbert Report), I became more motivated to start running again.  I've chosen a Couch to 5k plan, got a couple of accountability buddies that are going to do the program with me, and look forward to successfully running a 5k at some point this summer.  Oh and the physical fitness and weight loss that goes with this will be great too... :)

But to be honest, I knew it wasn't over.  No one had taken responsibility, and yet everything the police were releasing pointed to terrorism.  Pointed to intentions to take lives, intentions to cause harm, intentions to scare.  Terrorists usually (so I've been told) like to take credit for their "work".  These people/person hadn't come forward.  So I wasn't convinced we were safe.  The week of classes was hard and to say I didn't care about schoolwork would be an understatement.  I don't envy professors and TAs that had to figure out how to balance our processing needs (and theirs) with the need to cover material and not get behind.

Thursday came, and since I have no classes on Fridays, I was looking forward to a fun night of dinner, a student performance of Chicago, and drinks with friends.  I had all that (though only half of the play... it was okay).  I came home thrilled.  I came home feeling like life was getting back to normal.  As I was getting ready for bed, I got a text from BU emergency alerts saying an MIT cop had been killed and that the suspects had fled the scene.  I was home, not near MIT, said a prayer for the cop's family and went to bed.  Around 1am, a BU friend that lives in Watertown as well called me.  "Are you home?"  "Yes," I replied.  "Why what's wrong?"  "A cop was killed at MIT and they chased the guys to Watertown.  I don't know what's going on but I just heard a ton of gunshots outside my house." It didn't even dawn on me in this moment that these were the marathon bombers.  And I even thought the initial Facebook and Twitter posts hypothesizing that they were connected were overreaching.  "Oh no," I said.  "Okay well I'm home and in bed.  No lights are on.  We're safely inside."

The timeline of events in the manhunt can be read here.  (Note - times are in the Pacific time zone.  Add 3 hours for what it really was here in Watertown.)  What I want to emphasize is how I don't know how to think or what to feel.  What I want to emphasize is that I don't have words.  That I can't articulate what this has done to me personally, my friends, this community, Boston, and the nation.  I am THRILLED Suspect #2 (as the media started calling him) was taken alive.  I pray he recovers in the hospital, is cooperative and gives us the answers we desperately want.  But three people have died and almost 200 injured now in the past week.  Common places of commerce, leisure, and living have been violated and forced to host some of the worst examples of human capacity.  At the same time, people are bonding together.  My neighbor waved at me today as he was gardening and I was getting my car.  People still honk and wave and cheer when cops drive through Watertown Square.  I will get up tomorrow and run my Couch to 5k program for the day.  Boylston Street will eventually reopen.

What I wonder is, what will the new normal look like?  I don't believe things will go back to being how they were before.  Maybe they will on the surface, but the wounds of this past week will take generations to heal, not months or years.  Do we want it to look normal?  How long will a backfiring car make us jump and wonder if it's another explosive?  Will anyone in the area ever use pressure cookers again?  Will people be screened if they buy pressure cookers like people are when they buy Sudafed?  Will backpacks be searched at all major public events in the area?  Will they be allowed at all?  When will we trust the stranger standing next to us again?

Viral Laryngitis

Viral laryngitis.  That's apparently what I have.  Know what that means?  I'm hoarse.  That's the technical terminology for hoarseness.  I only went to a doctor because I've been having trouble with my singing voice for about 2 months and started having trouble with my speaking voice this past week.  Because apparently one vocal chord is swollen and the other one is trying to compensate and when I try to sing, they don't work properly because one's swollen.  I'm glad it's not serious.  I really am.  It could have been something that needed surgery or even a biopsy.  It's nothing that serious.  But it was really unpleasant to have my nose and throat numbed and a probe pushed through my sinuses to look at the back of my throat just to be told what I already knew.  I'm hoarse.

So for the next three weeks, I can't sing, can't whisper, shouldn't talk more than absolutely necessary and when I do talk, should talk as low as I can.  I have to drink more water than what I apparently already drink (which is about 2250 mL a day) and humidify everything.  It's all doable.  It all could be soooo much worse.  I know that what irks me the most is that I can't sing.  And being an extrovert, not being able to talk is a bit annoying as well.

As I was driving to my appointment today, though, I realized I'd be completely screwed in terms of keeping up with friends and family, interacting with people, if it weren't for modern technology.  Email, Facebook, Skype chatting, texting, blogging, and word processors allow me to still carry on conversations and participate in class.  That's saving my sanity at the moment.  My singing voice may sound horrendous but my metaphorical voice isn't gone.  So that's something.

It's also odd to be physically voiceless during Holy Week.  There is a lot of singing and collective praying and responsive readings that have been going on this week that I haven't been able to actively participate in.  Sometimes it's too much and I lose it and sob.  Sometimes it's like being an observer.  I've yet to find it enjoyable, but it has made this week interesting.  I assume the Easter experiences yet to come will be even more powerful.

What about Barabas?

I had a thought today after seeing a storyteller recount the Passion narrative from the gospel of Mark: I wonder what thoughts went through Barabas' mind when he was released.  I imagine they might have read something like this:

• Thank God!
• Wow, I wonder what that guy did that was so bad?
• Trading one rabble rouser for another...
• What do I do now?

Then when he realized (because I assume he found out) who took his place, I wonder what thoughts went through his mind.  I would guess it might have been one of the following:

• Wow, they really did trade one revolutionary for another.
• Woah, he was way less of a threat than I was.
• I don't care as long as it's not me.

But what I presume set in at some point (I don't think it's too modernist of me to believe this) is that eventually survivor's guilt set in.  Someone would have a hard time convincing me that Barabas never felt a twinge of guilt for getting released instead of Jesus.

I'm still working on understanding why this is so striking to me.  It might be in part because in retrospect, knowing how Jesus became the Christ after the resurrection, if there were a way for him to not have died, I somewhat would prefer that gospel.  However, these people lived at the time of Jesus.  Not at the time of the Christ and the Jesus movement of Paul, Peter, and the other apostles working after the crucifixion.  It makes sense that Barabas would not question his release or who took his place or initially feel bad for how those events transpired.

And now back to studying the undisputed letters of Paul...

Early morning ramblings...

So I'm not posting about my thoughts about God and religion and what it all means for me in this world.  Sort of.  Rather this is a post to praise the value of pure relaxation and distancing from work requirements.  I discovered rather quickly after my move to Texas that in grad school, winter, spring, and summer "breaks" were really just a chance for grad students to catch up.  BU so far hasn't been that different.  Where BU has been different though is that the faculty and staff (seem to) understand when people say "no," it's more likely than not because they truly need that time for something else.  So this Spring Break, I said "no" to school work for the first time in years.  Last Spring Break, I worked 12-16 hours a day on my thesis for at least 5 days straight.  I did enjoy me some SXSW shows, but I didn't come back to classes rested and refreshed.  This Spring Break, though, I didn't do any school work for 7 days straight.  Instead, I went to a meadery AND a brewery, watched the entire last season of Weeds, took care of some apartment spring cleaning (albeit not all of it), went to yoga, and threw a St Paddy's Day party.  Oh and slept.  A lot.  So come Saturday, I was okay to go to an event for a class project for 4 hours and today I was okay to spend most of my afternoon reading.  Because it wasn't the same old thing I'd been doing for the past week.  I do have a lot of reading due tomorrow, a quiz on Tuesday, and a paper due Wednesday in addition to all my usual weekly requirements, but things suddenly feel doable. 

And I know I said this wasn't going to be about religion and technically speaking it's not, but it does 100% tie into the emphasis of Sabbath-keeping that many theologians argue for.  And it's also been part of my Lenten journey.  I gave up coffee and caffeinated soda as I had realized I was using them as substitutes for healthy eating and regular exercise.  While I couldn't exercise much until early March (as I had gotten a stress fracture in my foot January), having caffeine out of my diet somewhat forced me to take mini-sabbaths from time to time.  And I think that made me more receptive to truly breaking from my school work this past week.  Whoever said "You can sleep when you're dead" likely wasn't nearly as productive as I've been in the past 48 hours.

Oh... and I've started watching Doctor Who.  Let's see what all this fuss is about.

A smidge more good news

 

(The picture is titled "Tree of Life" by Natasha Westcoat.  If you want to see some truly awesome art, look her up!)

 

I wanted to respond to some of the feedback I have received from my last blog post about faith.  Here goes.

For as long as I can remember being aware of the concept of the Trinity, how I thought of it kind of like this:

                God & Holy Spirit --> Jesus (humanity)

So in other words, I do believe in the Trinity.  I get that a lot of people don’t see how it’s not polytheism.  But here’s my explanation of what makes sense to me:

God existed first.  God created everything (though I argue not in 6 days in the way we currently understand time).  God was in everything God created in the form of the Holy Spirit with the hope that everything would create and maintain a peaceable environment.  Thus I believe the Holy Spirit and God existed simultaneously because I believe God is transcendent while the Holy Spirit is the imminent presence of God on earth and in creation.  Humans, however, failed to live up to God’s expectations and grew selfish, greedy, and possessive.  Several humans through history tried to remind people why they were put on this earth.  Not much ground was gained by these prophets until Jesus.  I believe this is in part because Jesus’ message was peaceful and for those frequently ignored by the existing Judaic social structure (i.e. because they were deemed unclean).  Jesus wanted to reform Judaism.  Instead he started a new movement.  He however was human.  If it sounds like my Christology is relatively low, it's because it is.  I believe Jesus was as full a human as one can possibly be.  I believe Jesus was more open to the movement of God’s work in his life than most humans before and after him, and I believe it’s possible the miracles cited in the New Testament were possible because of how open Jesus was to doing God’s will.  Thus I do believe every human has the capacity to be as close to God as Jesus was.  HOWEVER I think few if any humans actually do live in a way that leaves them able to be as influential as Jesus was.  It’s something to strive toward, though, not give up on.

That’s where community comes in.  I was asked if I thought my jadedness in high school was due to a lack of community.  In part, yes.  Completely.  I think community is key, necessary, and integral to both a healthy personal journey in Christian faith and for the success of the Christian Church.  (I capitalized the C because I’m meaning the church comprised of everyone who claims Christ regardless of denomination.)  At the same time, I think I needed that separation because if I hadn’t had it, I may not have ever asked the questions or explored the life options that led me to seminary.  I think time away could be a good thing.  I think the Amish are on to something with Rumspringa.  I think it might be healthy for churches to offer the option to their young adults to explore other faith traditions and ways of living for a while.  While I currently find myself in a liminal space unsure of what denomination my faith ideas best fit with as well as how much more these theological understandings might change in the future and what that might mean for where I fit denominationally, I also find myself rooted in community.  My parents, my family, my classmates and friends, the Episcopal parish I’m currently attending, all are nurturing me in my faith journey in ways they may not even be aware of.  It is in community we can realize who we have yet to include, reach out to them, and create a safe space for them.  Those that we don’t include are often those Jesus explicitly told us to look for.  I have more I could say on community, but will save that for a different post.

Finally, I was asked to elaborate on what I said about not judging people, particularly in reference to prophetic teaching and preaching.  I think the crux of prophetic preaching and teaching that allows it to not be judgmental is to always make the Christian way of life a refuseable invitation.  Thus part of what I mean by not judging is to not pity, begrudge, judge, or condemn those that opt to live differently from the Christian way of life.  We were not put on this earth to judge others.  We were put on this earth to live in community with each other, though, and those that do choose to live as a Christian should be held accountable for their actions by other Christians.  I do not see accountability and judgment as the same thing.  They are arguably similar, but I see judging as one-sided and devoid of grace and true forgiveness.  I see judging as telling someone else they are wrong while assuming what you do is superior.  Rather I see accountability as all Christians sharing the same level of responsibility for repairing and rebuilding the world humanity as since broken.  Accountability means within the Christian sphere, no person is morally above the other.  All persons fall short and all persons excel at different points in time and at different things.  Thus Christians graciously forgive and are stronger for it.

This process of dialoguing about faith continues to be eye-opening.  I’ve been interested at who has and hasn’t responded and I appreciate all of you who are reading these blog posts, whether you offer feedback or not.  Please don’t hesitate to continue to engage me (or others!) on anything I’ve brought up here or things I haven’t that you want my stance on.  It’s a little intimidating to put my confessional theology out into the blogosphere, but it truly makes me stand by what I say too, which I think is part of a faithful Christian witness.  So keep the comments and questions coming, be it on this blog or Facebook, over tea or dinner, via email or phone call, and peace be with you!

Here's some Good News

In taking a winter intensive this past semester entitled "Evangelism and Contemporary Culture", I came to really resonate with the idea that one's faith and understanding of the Gospel is reciprocal and should be shared with others in a dialogue that opens all involved to new ways of understanding God.  So this posting and likely at least one other will be an attempt to start a conversation on (1) who God is, (2) what God expects of God's followers, and (3) what those that claim the Christian faith are supposed to do with that information.  This will be lengthy, but I truly will value your feedback, be it on this blog, Facebook, text, phone call, email, in person, or some combination there of.

I must start by saying, I don't have all the answers.  I don't want to and I don't want what you're about to read to be taken as my opinion on the only way to understand God.  I must also start by saying I have been shaped to believe what I do through 15 years as a progressive Baptist in suburban Mississippi, about 7 years as a religiously-jaded and detached teenager and young adult in Massachusetts, and 3+ years of a religiously journeying young adult in Texas and again in Massachusetts.  My faith is ever-changing.  And I'm becoming more comfortable with that as time goes on.

1. God, in my experience, does exist.  I believe Jesus existed.  I believe in a divine presence or spirit that still moves in people's lives today that is a part of that God.  I believe in a mysterious God that can do things and comprehend things humans cannot, or at least things humans cannot grasp when so enmeshed in worldly issues, wants, and worries as most in Western culture in particular are.  That said, I have trouble getting behind the notion of an omnipotent God that allows bad things to happen to other people.  I am not opposed to the notion that negative forces (Satan, demons, bad spirits, whatever you'd like to call them) are out there, nor am I opposed to the notion of a God with some limited power; maybe even a God that is limited because God gave humans some of God's power through free will.  To paraphrase a friend of mine, I'd rather believe in a limited God of grace that did not want suffering to occur than to believe in a retributive God that's a jerk.

I also believe it is possible that who I call God is also who others call Yahweh or Allah or Shiva and that God has no gender or physical body.  I realize this last sentence will greatly anger or disturb some of you.  That's okay.  My faith journey has had and will continue to have disturbing periods.  I think that's normal and expected and a place for any individual to grow in their spiritual life.

I also believe it's possible I could be wrong, that there could be only one God out there that expects to be worshiped in a biblically literal manner and understood in a biblically literal way and only allows people into Heaven that do so.  I think it's possible but unlikely.  At least I hope it is unlikely.  If it is not unlikely, then people like the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. aren't in heaven, because as prophetic as Rev. King was, he cheated on his wife.  If God is the god of a literally translated Bible, then Rev. King is in hell.  Rather I am inclined to believe in the afterlife experience Paul described to the Galatians: that in Heaven ethnic distinctions, economic stratifications, and socially constructed norms of being (gender, sexual orientation, etc.) will not matter.  What will matter is how the person lived their life in accordance with the faith tradition they claimed.

2. The God of Christianity expects those that claim the Christian faith to act a certain way.  That "way" was modeled for Christians in the life of Jesus.  Jesus lived the fullest human life possible, and such a life allows a human to establish God's reign here on earth.  Jesus took risks to bring the outcast into the community and did so while in community.  God expects Christians to collectively follow in Christ's footsteps by peacefully advocating for society's marginalized groups, respecting differences among people, and humbly acknowledging flaws and transgressions.  Thus the Good News of Jesus invites those that hear it to a challenging, difficult, dangerous life walking with Christ and others in community. Whether embracing Christianity or a different faith understanding, I believe God is happy when anyone embraces peace, advocates for the marginalized, respects others, and lives humbly.

This Christian gospel's salvation occurs by living like Jesus and is salvation from hopelessness or a  sense of anomie.  Drawing upon Pelagius' concept of original goodness and beauty, humans are born pure and come to sin through human weakness.  Christians thus experience salvation as a motivational gift in the Christian community in which they participate and in the personal relationship with the Trinity which they nurture.  The community and personal relationship simultaneously motivate Christians to keep working toward the ability to see the reign of God more clearly in their own lives and to strive to establish God's reign more firmly for future generations to appreciate and nurture.  Christians are saved such that we may better embody the lives God created us to live and work to fix the world we have since broken.

With my understanding of salvation, Jesus is one way of achieving it, but not the only way.  I believe other communities that encourage their members to practice nonviolence, advocacy, respect, and humility and walk with each other on a spiritual journeys are just as valid and life-giving and life-fulfilling as the Christian walk of life. Thus, embedded in my good news is a "refusability clause", so to speak.  The Christian good news of Jesus is an invitation to one way of life, but because it is an invitation, it may be rejected.  Rejecting this gospel does not eternally damn one to hell but rather implies an individual prefers a different spiritual way of life.  My personal hope is that those that refuse the Christian gospel find solace and comfort (that lack of hopelessness and anomie) in another faith tradition or spiritual path.  I also believe no Christian should resent or pity or condemn anyone that rejects the Christian gospel because each Christian had a choice in choosing her or his own faith.  God's love is evenly available to all of God's creation, which includes those that follow this Gospel and those that do not.

3. There is a distinctive way to live as a Christian.  Christian living should be void of judgment and full of love.  Every single human on this earth was created in the image of God.  Fred Phelps and Steve Jobs.  Adolf Hitler and Rosa Parks.  David Karesh and Barack Obama.  Saddam Hussein and Mother Theresa.  God made all of them.  No matter whether or not we think they were good people on this earth, it is not the Christian's job to judge their actions.  It is the Christian's job to respect the inherent worth of every human life and to do so as best as we can in a peaceable and loving manner; at the very least in a civil manner.  Christians could try putting this into practice by sharing a meal with someone from a different race, class, sexual identity, or religious tradition as themselves and never once bringing up that difference in the conversation.

Christian living should be void of envy and full of hospitality.  Especially in Western society, we are incredibly individualistic, consumer oriented, and profit driven.  Most of us in Western societies are NOT the "poor" Jesus offers solace to in the Sermon on the Mount.  Such self-centered living is not how Christians are called to behave.  Christians are called to live in community.  We think it torture to isolate a person and consider solitary confinement one of the most extreme and last resort options of inmate treatment.  That is because God designed us to be social creatures that live in community with each other, not in individualized compartmentalized bubbles that occasionally bump into each other.  Christians could try putting this to practice in the future by asking the person that drives your bus or makes your coffee or brings you your dinner if they're having a good day.

Christian living should be void of blind acceptance and full of questions.  Christians should always be studying their faith and discussing their questions or revelations or reflections with other Christians and non-Christians.  Education is crucial and education does not only come from the Bible or theological reference books.  Education also comes from experience.  Education also comes from tradition.  Education also comes from reason.  (I'm sure my Methodist friends are jumping up and down right now.)  Personally, before I started asking questions, from a young age, I had a sense that someone or something existed that was "larger" than me.  However, I am only just now starting to know God.  And I have no sense that I will fully know God anytime soon, or potentially ever.  And that's okay.  In the seven years or so that I was jaded and emotionally removed from religion, I began questioning.  In the past three years in particular, I have sought to answer those questions.  The more I get possibilities for answers, the less I know for certain, and yet the more certain I am that God exists and that I should be following the Christian spiritual path.  I try to find friends of varying faith identities that will support me on this journey and I am involved in a Christian community (Episcopal at the moment) that nurtures and challenges my faith as well.  Christians could try putting this into practice by asking someone of the same denomination, someone of the same religion but different denomination, and someone of a different religion to answer the questions I have tried to answer here.

Again, I welcome your comments, am happy to clarify or expound on anything not mentioned here, and hope to be further shaped and nurtured through this dialogue.  It is a vulnerable feeling to post this confessional type message to the blogosphere, but I do hope there is some good news for you in here.